好累

it is freaking 7.23 in the morning now and i am up with a troubled heart.

i have never felt so bad for the longest of time already. i am really too stressed to even be bothered with you but you haunt me. i am really very afraid of it this time. i really have no idea where did i gather the courage to confess the last time but i am very sure that that was the LAST time i am ever going to do that. it embarrassed the shit out of me.

but today, when i face you, i have no idea what to do. you are so, different. i really cannot decipher what are your thoughts. are you really true to me or are you a fraud, here to play with my feelings and hurt me upside down. i keep having thoughts of losing you but i really am afraid of committing.i remember you once asked me why no? the reason? i don't think it will last. we don't know too much of each other. we are people from utterly different worlds.

oh lord, why must these things bring me down? am i too weak to even block away unnecessary heartache? i really feel so stupid and stressed up at so many things i think my hair is going to fall tremendously anytime. i am seriously getting to sleep late and waking up super early cause thoughts follows me and deprive me of my sleep almost ever night.

i need my sleep.

i have no idea how long can i sustain on already. i am really tired of a lot of things in life. i am tired of trying to hold on to the crumbling family bond. i am tired of sustaining current friendship. i am tired of worrying about my health. i am tired of making new friends. i am tired of worrying for people i love and care about and i am tired of thinking of you.

let all these go to rest ba. i shall go on with life as per normal but in half hibernation mode. don't even bother to try and make me smile or laugh. you may just get it but deep down in my heart, i know that i am not happy.

这种痛苦是难以理解的，我真的好累好累 。。