raging passion crashed

i just finish reading charis's blog

she seem so lost in what she wants

i sincerely hope that she finds the path that she really wants

and i wish every best for her

however, it got me thinking about my life too

i suddenly feel what a failure i have been

i am very ashamed to say that

i have stopped dancing

people who know me before would think that i am going nuts

cause i use to live to dance

dance was my life

dance was my passion

but look where am i now?

i sacrificed my dance for my O levels

and i am unable to go back to it

i am afraid

terrified in fact

i tried to go back

but i found out time waits for nobody

everyone was ahead of me

i was doing my every best to catch up

but i still feel myself lagging behind

i am not bragging,

but i use to be one of the better dancers of the class

but now i am the worst

the bottom

the incompetent one

and this feeling of being the worst caused me to feel really bad inside

i felt that i had let my mother down

i felt let my teacher down

i never dared to go back

every time i tell myself that i must go on with it

but it is the courage that i lack

i am scared of my teacher disappointment in me

i am scared the looking down of my ballet friends on me

i am scared the weird faces people give me when i decide to return to that classroom

my mum ask me

"brenda, how about your ballet? are you still going for it?"

i am lost for words

i don't know how to reply

i am so petrified

my heart is bleeding

i love dancing as much as mouse love cheese

and to give up my dance is really making me feel so bad inside

i have a dream of being a dancer before

but the dream crashed at the moment i decided to sacrifice it

ms pang, i am really very sorry

deep in my heart i hope you read this post

but i know it is impossible

you gave me a chance to experience the joy of ballet at the age of 7

you nurtured me

you cared for me

now i have no face to see you

i have no rights to tell you that i want to go back to your dance class anymore

and most of all

i disappointed you

someone help me

aid me

relight my fiery passion for dance again

all i need a chance

and the courage to stand up on that stage again...